The latest

The night before I left for vacation, J and I had our "talk". I let him know that I had been unsure of where things were going with us and that I wanted to have closure with the ex before moving into a relationship with him. So I told him that everything was settled with the ex, that it was definitely over and I was ready to make a commitment to him. He was very understanding and said that he knew something was holding me back and he just hoped that I would choose him. I knew that things were getting serious when I left for vacation and I felt the need to call him that very night. I was used to talking to him every day now and try as I might, I couldn't keep myself from calling. When he answered, he was relieved because he was wanting to talk too, but was respecting my space and time with my family. My head finally caught up with my heart at the moment I saw him waiting for me at the airport, roses in hand (of course he remembers my favorite) and his face lit up upon my arrival. I think we are a good balance for each other. It's almost the cliche of opposites attracting. Where he is calm and easy going, I am stressed out and restless. He wears his heart on his sleeve and I guard mine from anyone getting too close. He walks around with me as if he is the luckiest guy in the room and I have to admit, no one has ever treated me like this before. In the beginning this scared me, now I have learned to appreciate it and enjoy our time together.

Life's a beach

So it's been a while since my last post, I know. I was sick for a month and barely made it out of bed for 3 weeks. Then it was off to the beach for our annual ladies only week with the family. As usual, we had an amazing time and it was great to relax and catch up on the family news. I had a moment when running on the beach one day and U2 came on my ipod. My thoughts turned right to Pat and I felt happy knowing that we had continued the beach tradition even without her. At first I wasn't sure if we should, but it's definitely what she would have wanted. I miss our talks, every few weeks, just to check in with each other and time for me to tell her all about my latest exploits as "Megan Bradshaw" as she deemed me in the last card of hers I kept. She was an important part of my life and I feel so lucky to have the scrapbook that she made for me so that I can look through it anytime I miss her. So a trip to the beach was well deserved and now it's back to work and the daily routine.

Just when it was all starting to make sense...

Why is it just when everything seems to fall into place, he re-enters? It's like he has a radar that sets off an alarm when I am content and he must swoop in and stir things up again. Just when I finally get the "what if..." out of my brain he oh-so-casually throws out a "how are you? what are you up to?" Is he miserable and wants to know if I'm miserable too? Is he still interested? Does he want to be friends? Why can't I just write him off like I can so easily with others? I'd like to know the name of this game so I can figure out the rules,please. This is a reminder of why this wall is up-it's because of him, but that's still not enough for me to say goodbye for good.

A little perspective

Every now and then you get a reminder of how easily everything can slip away. We had a little scare at school today and my immediate reaction was anger. This was the same reaction I had when a child brought a gun to school. It's like, how dare you threaten my safety because of your stupidity?! They don't realize that their actions effect over 1200 other people as well. It's amazing that a child can bring an entire school to a screeching halt and cause mass chaos. My second reaction was a mothering instinct (who knew I had it in me?) to protect my kids. My mind automatically went to, "Okay, so how can I get them all out of here safely and calmly?" It was another opportunity for me to step back, stop being so selfish and take stock in how blessed I am in my life. Sometimes I think that my staunch independence gets in the way of being able to show my emotions to those I care most about. Since Pat, I have tried to be better about that, but I still need a reminder now and then. I've got it good compared to a lot of people, so get over yourself and stop your complaining about gas prices and boys!

What I Learned at the beach:

1. Even after 3 applications of sunscreen, I still get burned.
2. Naked sunscreen application does not guarantee complete coverage.
2. I can't eat 3 large meals a day and expect my stomach to be happy about it.
3. Allergy meds+greasy food+sun=blacking out
4. A sunburned belly button is nothing to joke about.
5. Cute flipflops aren't necessarily comfortable.
6. Gay men love their short, tight swim trunks.
7. Sand is a free souvenir that finds its way into everything no matter how hard you try to shake it out.
8. The sun zaps your energy so that big night out plans turn into sitting around in your pj's chatting with friends (sometimes that's just as fun as a big night out).
9. Chelsea Handler's book is a great beach read, even better read aloud (but plug the ears on the little ones for this)
10. Kids playing beach games should be kept away from me-HELLO-I am here trying to forget about them for a few days!
11. I really did forget I had this many freckles.

Makes me that much stronger

I've been refocusing my workouts lately from heavier cardio sessions to heavier weight sessions. Partly because I feel burnt out from running, but I have always enjoyed lifting. This is to the surprise of most, "but you're so small!!" Most people stereotype weightlifters as meatheads who lift 4/5 times a week. Over the last month or so I have been trying to tone up (beach week looms in the near future) and I'm starting to see the results. I have always wanted defined arms and shoulders (more like Jen Aniston than Madonna' s major guns) and I'm finally getting to that point. Best of all is feeling so strong-figuratively and literally. Running used to be my only "zen" time, but I'm finding lifting to be as calming and peaceful. Granted, I stay in the women only lifting room at the gym, although someday I might get up the nerve to go into the free weights section of the gym.

We were on a break...

So I guess it's not really over after all. After some time away, I realized that I did like being with him. I realized that my high expectations were probably getting in the way of something that could be good. But I also realized that he's just inexperienced in terms of dating and relationships (not that I'm an expert by any means) and it's just not what I'm used to. After B's party last night we met up and hung out for a while. It was nice and relaxed and I think I just need to let things take their own course and enjoy it. I just wanted him to realize that I need my space and it's not that I don't want to see him, but that I just need a little me time. Now, we still have a few small things to work on, but for the most part, I think it'll all work out.