The latest

The night before I left for vacation, J and I had our "talk". I let him know that I had been unsure of where things were going with us and that I wanted to have closure with the ex before moving into a relationship with him. So I told him that everything was settled with the ex, that it was definitely over and I was ready to make a commitment to him. He was very understanding and said that he knew something was holding me back and he just hoped that I would choose him. I knew that things were getting serious when I left for vacation and I felt the need to call him that very night. I was used to talking to him every day now and try as I might, I couldn't keep myself from calling. When he answered, he was relieved because he was wanting to talk too, but was respecting my space and time with my family. My head finally caught up with my heart at the moment I saw him waiting for me at the airport, roses in hand (of course he remembers my favorite) and his face lit up upon my arrival. I think we are a good balance for each other. It's almost the cliche of opposites attracting. Where he is calm and easy going, I am stressed out and restless. He wears his heart on his sleeve and I guard mine from anyone getting too close. He walks around with me as if he is the luckiest guy in the room and I have to admit, no one has ever treated me like this before. In the beginning this scared me, now I have learned to appreciate it and enjoy our time together.

Life's a beach

So it's been a while since my last post, I know. I was sick for a month and barely made it out of bed for 3 weeks. Then it was off to the beach for our annual ladies only week with the family. As usual, we had an amazing time and it was great to relax and catch up on the family news. I had a moment when running on the beach one day and U2 came on my ipod. My thoughts turned right to Pat and I felt happy knowing that we had continued the beach tradition even without her. At first I wasn't sure if we should, but it's definitely what she would have wanted. I miss our talks, every few weeks, just to check in with each other and time for me to tell her all about my latest exploits as "Megan Bradshaw" as she deemed me in the last card of hers I kept. She was an important part of my life and I feel so lucky to have the scrapbook that she made for me so that I can look through it anytime I miss her. So a trip to the beach was well deserved and now it's back to work and the daily routine.

Just when it was all starting to make sense...

Why is it just when everything seems to fall into place, he re-enters? It's like he has a radar that sets off an alarm when I am content and he must swoop in and stir things up again. Just when I finally get the "what if..." out of my brain he oh-so-casually throws out a "how are you? what are you up to?" Is he miserable and wants to know if I'm miserable too? Is he still interested? Does he want to be friends? Why can't I just write him off like I can so easily with others? I'd like to know the name of this game so I can figure out the rules,please. This is a reminder of why this wall is up-it's because of him, but that's still not enough for me to say goodbye for good.

A little perspective

Every now and then you get a reminder of how easily everything can slip away. We had a little scare at school today and my immediate reaction was anger. This was the same reaction I had when a child brought a gun to school. It's like, how dare you threaten my safety because of your stupidity?! They don't realize that their actions effect over 1200 other people as well. It's amazing that a child can bring an entire school to a screeching halt and cause mass chaos. My second reaction was a mothering instinct (who knew I had it in me?) to protect my kids. My mind automatically went to, "Okay, so how can I get them all out of here safely and calmly?" It was another opportunity for me to step back, stop being so selfish and take stock in how blessed I am in my life. Sometimes I think that my staunch independence gets in the way of being able to show my emotions to those I care most about. Since Pat, I have tried to be better about that, but I still need a reminder now and then. I've got it good compared to a lot of people, so get over yourself and stop your complaining about gas prices and boys!

What I Learned at the beach:

1. Even after 3 applications of sunscreen, I still get burned.
2. Naked sunscreen application does not guarantee complete coverage.
2. I can't eat 3 large meals a day and expect my stomach to be happy about it.
3. Allergy meds+greasy food+sun=blacking out
4. A sunburned belly button is nothing to joke about.
5. Cute flipflops aren't necessarily comfortable.
6. Gay men love their short, tight swim trunks.
7. Sand is a free souvenir that finds its way into everything no matter how hard you try to shake it out.
8. The sun zaps your energy so that big night out plans turn into sitting around in your pj's chatting with friends (sometimes that's just as fun as a big night out).
9. Chelsea Handler's book is a great beach read, even better read aloud (but plug the ears on the little ones for this)
10. Kids playing beach games should be kept away from me-HELLO-I am here trying to forget about them for a few days!
11. I really did forget I had this many freckles.

Makes me that much stronger

I've been refocusing my workouts lately from heavier cardio sessions to heavier weight sessions. Partly because I feel burnt out from running, but I have always enjoyed lifting. This is to the surprise of most, "but you're so small!!" Most people stereotype weightlifters as meatheads who lift 4/5 times a week. Over the last month or so I have been trying to tone up (beach week looms in the near future) and I'm starting to see the results. I have always wanted defined arms and shoulders (more like Jen Aniston than Madonna' s major guns) and I'm finally getting to that point. Best of all is feeling so strong-figuratively and literally. Running used to be my only "zen" time, but I'm finding lifting to be as calming and peaceful. Granted, I stay in the women only lifting room at the gym, although someday I might get up the nerve to go into the free weights section of the gym.

We were on a break...

So I guess it's not really over after all. After some time away, I realized that I did like being with him. I realized that my high expectations were probably getting in the way of something that could be good. But I also realized that he's just inexperienced in terms of dating and relationships (not that I'm an expert by any means) and it's just not what I'm used to. After B's party last night we met up and hung out for a while. It was nice and relaxed and I think I just need to let things take their own course and enjoy it. I just wanted him to realize that I need my space and it's not that I don't want to see him, but that I just need a little me time. Now, we still have a few small things to work on, but for the most part, I think it'll all work out.

Oh yeah, well I jumped out a plane!!

At 9:00 am this morning, I jumped out of a plane...willingly. I didn't get nervous until I saw the small plane that they were going to throw me out of. Then reality began to sink in and I thought, "Why am I doing this again?" I let my instructor know that I throw up when nervous, so I carried a baggie with me as my air sick bag. I tried to think happy thoughts, which were replaced with a round of Hail Marys when the plane actually took off. When the plane's side opened up I was shaking all over and terrified-this was not natural. God did not intend for people to do this. I had a moment of panic as I flung myself out of the plane. Then the free fall before we pulled the shoot was actually pretty amazing. I really thought that not being in control would ruin it for me, but I was glad one of us knew what we were doing because I really didn't remember any of the techniques we learned in our 20 minutes of "training" and I could let go and enjoy the ride. After he pulled the shoot, we slowly drifted down and it was ironically peaceful. It was very calm and quiet 7,000 feet in the air! The view was something you can't appreciate while sitting and looking out of a plane's window. Looking straight down was scary and made me queasy, so I stuck to taking in the view around as he pointed out places of interest. After a little while though, I was ready to be back on the ground and was thankful for a easy landing. It took a little while for me to get my land legs back, so I parked it on the ground with my "air sick" baggie for a few minutes. The group that was waiting to go next waited to hear what I would say and all I could utter was, "Well, there's another thing I can check off my list." It was both the dumbest yet most amazing experience of my life yet. Would I do it again? HELL NO. Was it worth it, YES. I can't believe I jumped out of a plane....

It's soooo over

It's over. I ended it today. I couldn't make myself feel something that wasn't there. I know he's wondering what he did wrong. I'm a little sad, but I couldn't keep leading him on. Am I too independent for my own good? I enjoy my time alone, so I don't feel the need to have someone else around all the time, but you never know, if the right one comes along that could change.

From glamazon to bag lady in an instant

How can we go from feeling glamorous one moment to feeling like a schlumpy bag lady the next? Last night I wore my new LBD for the LBD party that I never made it to! It was one of those nights where nothing went as planned. We went to Park to find the girls and I knew they were there, but never found anyone. It was really packed and not really my vibe so we left. Now, back to the dress- It was black, very short, and tight. Definitely not my usual "going out" attire. The attention that dress gave me was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I must say, I usually accentuate my top half, so with the top being covered, who knew that a short dress would get so much attention? I really didn't!
That being said, I woke up this morning and was greeted by the schlumpy bag lady. The hairspray that held the cute style from last night has now shaped into an Amy Winehouse 'do. The raccoon eyes are awesome. Not to mention that for whatever reason, I have another mystery case of hives covering my legs and back so my "glowing" skin from last night is now blotchy and red. My feet that looked so cute in my amazing black, peep toe, patent leather pumps are blistered and swollen. Hot stuff!
Is it all in our heads or can we really change our image so dramatically in an instant? It's like that episode of Seinfeld with the girl who was beautiful one minute and then looked like a weasel in a different room, in different lighting. Well this weasel girl is in captivity today as to not scare any small children and hopefully the real me will emerge by tomorrow.

Is it me or the idea of me?

It's been a while. I have been really busy lately and haven't had much time to myself. School's busy, finding time to workout, hanging out with new guy, apartment hunting....I miss me. I am one of few people who actually enjoys solitude. I crave it. I need time to decompress and unwind after the day. Sunday is my day. I can go the whole day without talking to anyone and I'm okay with that. I don't get these people who can't spend time alone. How can you spend your time with someone else if you can't even spend time alone and enjoy it? Having someone new in my life has changed my routine. I like spending time with him, but I still need my alone time. He is having a hard time understanding that. He wants to see me or talk to me all the time. Certain friends are saying that I should want to spend all of my time with him. Really? This coming from those who spend every minute with their S.O. and then wonder why they have the "I need some space" conversation?!?! It's great having someone who wants to see me all of the time, but he needs to understand that I'm not giving up myself for him. I still need to see my friends, go out dancing, watch t.v. on the couch, and go to bed at 8 sometimes. We have a great time together and I like him, but it's still hard having someone who is so upfront about what he wants and what he thinks about me. In the back of my mind is the question that was once asked of me, "Is it really me, or the idea of me?" For now, I'm having fun and I think time will eventually answer these questions.

I'm bored

LOVE:
Honesty
Laughing
Green
Thunderstorms
Brad Pitt
The sound of the ocean
The beach
Crimson nail polish
Pink roses
Britney Spears music
Soft kisses
Runner's high
Fresh sheets
Warm towels
Baths
Magazines
Italy
A really cold can of diet coke
Writing with markers
Flip flops
Uggs
New York
Singing at the top of my lungs in the car
Christmas cookies
Chocolate covered strawberries
Dark, painful bruises
Skinny caramel lattes
S'mores
Sharing a room with my sisters at beach week
Having conversations, not fights with my brother
Drunk texting
Fall
Push up bras
Lists
Organization
Snow
When people get my friends references
HATE:
Gum
Being hot
Robert Redford
Meryl Streep
smell of seafood
smell of watermelon
texture of bananas
long fingernails
Ironing
When they say, "I was just..."
Being disappointed
Baggy pants
Skinny jeans on guys
Tardiness
Being a light sleeper
Meg
Ain't
Questions ending in prepositions
Waking up early
Goodbyes
Phone calls about nothing
Writing in cursive
Office duty

Oh boy...

What have I gotten myself into? I tried to talk myself out of it, still don't know why...but things are starting to change. Tonight I opened up and he was excited that I was finally starting to talk about myself. I told him that I wasn't sure I was interested because there was no chase and I am used to having a little of that. He was shocked that A)guys would play aloof with me and B)that I would like someone that would treat me like that. He told me a little about his mom and how he stills thinks about her every day. I saw one of his tattoos and asked what it was and it is the name of a poem that reminds him of her. He showed me the poem that he always carries and damn it all,,,I started to tear up-okay-actually I shed a tear or two and anyone who knows me knows that I don't cry. I really like spending time with him because he treats me so amazingly. I wish I could accept that that's the way I deserve to be treated, but from past experiences, I'm not used to it. He is very open and has let me know that he really likes me and wants to have a relationship with me. This scares the hell out of me.

Help!

Pros: sweet, thinks I'm beautiful, looking for a relationship, stable job and income, treats me the way I should be treated, enjoys same activities I do
Cons: clingy!! (wants to talk everyday-sometimes several times a day), not very self-confident, talked about us as a couple after 3 dates, feels like he's not good enough for me, I feel like he is sitting around waiting for me to call and say "let's hang out", I feel guilty when I talk about going out with friends
Ugh! I've never been around a guy who is so obvious about the way he feels. It's disarming b/c I'm so not like that.
WWCD? What Would Carrie Do?

Where am I going, and why am I in a handbasket?

I had coffee right before church, so I should have known that I would not be able to sit still during mass. Right before communion, the priest was giving hosts to the Eucharistic ministers and one man stuck out his tongue instead of using his hands. The priest actually hesitated before placing it on his tongue. That made me wonder if the priest ever gets freaked out having to put that on people's tongues???? Then I wondered if pregnant women should drink the wine. Lastly, as the woman in front of me stood up from the kneeler, I noticed the gigantic wedgie she had. So I wondered if she knew what she looked like from behind and was as uncomfortable as she appeared.
The choir leader sounded just like the woman from SNL, Ana What's-her-name, who does the choir lady satire. At that point, I was biting my bottom lip to keep from laughing out loud and "praying" with my head bowed and my hands over my mouth. Gigglitis strikes again! I suffer from the condition in the most quite and inappropriate times. Hopefully someday there will be a cure.
Dear Lord forgive me, I was not very observant tonight and I promise to be better next time.

Date Night

Last night was my first date with J. We had "talked" via instant messenger and through a few phone calls this week, so last night we met in Old Town and had dinner. I could tell that he was totally nervous! The conversation was easy. We know a lot of the same people, so we told lots of stories about those people. We laughed about how he found out about me. His friend from work asked what he thought of me and he said he told her, "Well, I'm not blind, she's hot, but I'm sure she has a boyfriend." So she called me to confirm and it went from there. Sometimes I think guys assume this about me...step up and ask dudes!
After dinner, we walked down by the water and around Old Town for a while. He asked if I wanted to get another drink somewhere, but I was simply spent and couldn't be my sparkling self, and I thought that I might be meeting up with C later, so I said not tonight. He offered to walk me back to my car and explained that he was a "nice guy" due to his sisters-see I think the same about my brother. You can totally tell if a guy has a sister or not. So he walked me to my car and asked if we could go out again. I said yes and we decided to go to a movie sometime. He even offered to see the same one again because I wanted to see it. The awkward end was less so when he said, "How about a hug?" I said a hug was appropriate and I left. My friend told me that he is too nice of a guy and girls tend to walk all over him, and I can see that. But I guess it's better than the alternative...Example, S who didn't call all week after our great "date" last weekend. So I sent him an angry text to tell him off Friday night and got no response. Then, this morning I woke up to 6 new voicemails from him. His story is that he lost his phone last Saturday and just got it back last night when he met up with the guy who found it. I could almost buy that, but then at least send an email saying what happened. I don't speak dumbass, dude. But again, it's the idea of the chase that gets my attention so I am trying to give nice guy a chance. I deserve someone who treats me well, and I think nice guy has potential.

I don't speak dumbass

Last night was the birthday bash. Dinner was disappointing, the food was mediocre-but the group was great. I was a little bummed not having a cake, but B, sweetheart that she is, surprised us with one after dinner! Most of the ladies were tired and went home from there. It was tempting after my two glasses of wine. I was in a happy, but sleepy mood. But it was my day and I wanted to go out. We all piled in the car (7 of us in a 5 seater, typical family trip for me) and headed to Adams Morgan. Miracle: we found a parking space right in front of the club! It was so great not having to walk from the metro. So we went to Felix, but it wasn't our scene, so we went across the street to TomTom's. B and A left us there, but the rest of us went in. It was pretty empty, so we found a spot on the dance floor and just acted silly dancing around by ourselves and having a good time. L was the lucky one to receive a lap dance, wine makes me brave-the guys loved the show. One happy camper yelled, "Fuck yeah!" (no, not fuck ya, as L thought). We had some creepy lurkers who (thinking we couldn't hear them) pointed to each of us and said, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, no!" Then they tried a great line, "Where are you all from?" We got away from them quick. Some other guys were hanging around and finally came over. The guy talking to me lucked out because I was feeling friendly and we danced for a while. And maybe there was a little making out....it was my birthday!! Poor S had a guy ask her where she was from and then grilled her about what languages she spoke. P said it best when she said, "I don't speak dumbass!" Hehe....All in all, it was a great group and we had a lot of fun. I enjoyed myself but was still able to get up this morning and make it to my spa day with a S.
So the transition into 30 wasn't as painful as it could have been.
I love my friends, we always make any outing fun!

Gonna party like it's your birthday...

So I have exactly two hours left as a 20 something. Then it's time to pry my fingers off the ledge and let myself free fall into my 30's. My 20's weren't that great, so I am hoping for great adventures in my 30's. I am confident, independent, financially stable, and physically fit. This is a tremendous improvement over my 20's. I was insecure, introverted, scared of being overlooked, and for a while, very unhealthy. So I should be running to 3o with open arms, but there's a little voice in my head saying, "This is it, you're getting older and it's only going to go downhill from here!" After I shake that thought away, I realize that I have some interest in me, amazing friends who I cherish and love spending time with, the best job (other than my demon children this year) I've ever had, and a peace of mind that I didn't have for most of my 20's. So cheers to a great decade ahead and many more adventures to come!!

Who knew Wednesdays could be exciting?

Interesting day...
We were in the computer lab and the lights blinked, the circuit board started smoking, and all the laptops went black. We blew up the lab! It was actually kind of funny, but since we are practicing for taking our test online, it's really a bad thing to have happen.
On a better note, I talked to a friend at another school and she informed me that a coworker was interested in asking me out. So I said, "What the hell," and told her to give him my number. He called this afternoon! He apologized for wussing out and not asking me out when we first met, and told me how pretty I was that day....whoa...sweet, but carefully buddy, too much has the opposite effect, but he seems really nice and easy to talk to.
We made a date for Saturday night-too bad for last weekend's guy. He who hesitates is lost!
Big birthday party Friday!!Very excited and hope everyone has fun.

Confessions of a DCdiva

-Taking inspiration from the movie "The Break Up", I did
-I took his number and never called
-I am a kissing slore
-The nice guy was too boring
-The unattainable wasn't so unattainable
-I wasn't really waiting for anyone, I was alone
-Seeing him realize his mistake made me feel powerful
-I'm not sorry that I ended the friendship
-I googled him
-I'd rather get lost then ask for directions or look at the map for fear of looking like a tourist
-He flirted with me and I never told you
-I shouldn't have expected anything different than your reaction
-I won't pay $3.00 for parking, but I'll pay $9.00 for a martini
-I am a great liar

Scope It Out 5K

Kelly and I rolled out of bed early this morning and ran the Scope It Out 5K down at the Tidal Basin. Not taking into consideration the number of tourists in town for the Cherry Blossom Festival, parking was a mad house. We had to park over 1.5 miles away from the start and had to hoof it to make it to the start on time. It was a lot colder than I thought it would be and pretty windy! We made it to the starting line just as they finished the National Anthem and took our places right as the race started. I acted like a beginner and took off at the beginning and 3/4's of the way through I was suddenly nauseated and had to slow down. I was disappointed with my finish -28:31, but at least it was under 30 minutes. I just have to remember that it was for a great cause and I did it in honor of Pat. So after my 3 hour nap (recovery + the neighbor's party last night didn't help me sleep) I'm headed out for my favorite Sunday afternoon activity, grocery shopping.

What the ....?

Last night I wore a red shirt with white polka dots (love this shirt) and this guy comes up and looks me up and down and says, "I'm just counting your spots." When I obviously looked confused, he said, "Isn't that how you tell how old ladybugs are?" I said, "Are you calling me a bug?" And he shrugged and said, "I guess". Then my friend asked him to take a picture of us and he said, "No thanks," and walked away.
Wow, anyone who's married miss great interactions like this?

My bad

Okay, so I have to take back some of the bitchassness of my rant last night. I didn't believe that he would call today, but shocker-he did! I met him and his friends downtown and we walked around. His friends left and we walked around and looked at the cherry blossoms. I actually let him hold my hand-Samantha and I don't usually like to do that, but I have to admit, it was sweet. I came crashing down from my coffee high and realized I was starving so we went to dinner. Bonus points-he wanted to order dessert! I had to get home to get some sleep for race day tomorrow, so he went to meet friends out. Ironically, he was upset that his friends didn't call back and confirm plans and he wasn't sure what they were doing tonight.-Thanks, karma, I owe you one!There was an offer to hang out tomorrow (it's his birthday), so we'll see what happens.

Love/hate relationship

I have a love/hate relationship with running. Some days I feel like I can run forever and ever. Everything is in sync and it feels great to push myself along. I get lost in the zone and it's effortless. Then there's times like this week where I struggle to even get out the door. The first mile is torture, and by the second mile I am ready to admit defeat. My knees hurt, my hip hurts, mu breathing is labored and I feel like I am dragging my legs along. On the up side, I have a race tomorrow and I'm hoping for a miracle so I can beat my 5K PR of 29:28. Some people are big into racing and sometimes I get swept up in the hype and sign up. But as race day gets closer, I realize that I don't enjoy most of the aspects of racing, but yet I keep going back to it! Glutton for punishment? Maybe. It's Saturday, normally a heavy workout day for me, but with the race tomorrow I am taking a rest day. Rest day, seems like an easy thing to do, but when you are disciplined in a routine, it almost seems like torture.
Time to go pick up my race packet for tomorrow.

I'm not that kind of girl

He actually expected me to wait by the phone for him to call!!! Screw that, I have way too much self respect to go through that (again). If he doesn't make plans by Wednesday, then any attempts after that are because he couldn't find anything better to do. Thursday night "what are you doing this weekend" answered "nothing special" is a loud and clear-duh, waiting for you to ask...But apparently, that wasn't clear enough. Then surprise, surprise, an 8:00pm phone call on Friday and "I'm disappointed" when he hears that I already have plans. What was he expecting?? I won't wait around and hope to have something to do. And now I get the drunken messages, "why aren't you here? not the same here without you..." and others that he'll regret tomorrow. Too many girls have accepted their roles as booty calls. It's the perfect solution for the toxic bachelor. No strings attached, no emotion, and then on to the next. He needs to talk to hot gym guy and realize that's not my style. Maybe the two of them can play wingman for each other while I continue to look for a man who actually wants to date and develop a (guys cringe here) relationship.

Words to live by

God puts people into our lives for a reason, but not all of them are meant to stay.
-taken from A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown

Pain is temporary, quitting is forever.
-taken from It's Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong

Face Everything And Recover

If you want something to happen, go out and make it happen.

Having control is not being happy. (still trying to accept this one)

I can do anything I want to do; I just have to let myself go. (see above)

You should seek to be loved as much as you should just love.
-St. Francis

Live not for battles won. Live not for the-end-of-the-song. Live in the along.
-Speech to the Young, Speech to the Progress-Toward by Gwendolyn Brooks

It's the fire in my eyes, the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet. I'm a woman, Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me.
-Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness.
-A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle